I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
