This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
