Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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