i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
