This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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