I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
did i walk over a car last night?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
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just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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