You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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