in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
