I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
