i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she pinky promised me she was 18
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
