It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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