the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
