So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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