i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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