she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
