I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
