I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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