when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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