I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
