I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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