I'm gonna have a badass scar
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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