sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
