oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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