In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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