I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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