She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
