I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Everything about him screamed your future.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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