So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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