apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
