I wish I could punch you in the face.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
