I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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