Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
