So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
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He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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