Please don't use social media to get back at me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
