I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
