and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Randomize
