shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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