My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
