The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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