my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
