Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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