WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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