I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
