There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
