your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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