Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
