My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
