I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
