she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
