Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
