there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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