I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
