the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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