i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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