god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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